


Truth in the Desert

by smallenoughtofit



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: AT-AT sweet AT-AT, Confession, Dark!Rey, F/M, Grief, Kylo is smitten, Loss, Memories, all the compassion, jakku life, kylo has compassion for her, loads of compassion actually, maybe hints of a force bond, rey is going to have Kylo's babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 10:52:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12886335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallenoughtofit/pseuds/smallenoughtofit
Summary: Rey's new master, Kylo, allows her to visit her old AT-AT and learns many truths about his new apprentie.





	Truth in the Desert

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning/spoiler at the bottom
> 
> I have MAJOR writer's block on 'Asunder', so I wrote this to get over it. 
> 
> This is an apology one shot for 'Asunder' being so late, but depression and finals.

“I still don’t quite understand why you wanted to come here.” Kylo said, trudging a pace behind Rey through the hots sands of Jakku, “This place is a wasteland, far below your notice.” 

“I lived here since I was five.” Rey said quietly, not looking back at him as she continued to lead the way from their ship to her old, beloved AT-AT.

“It should have been below your notice, then, too.” Kylo Ren said. His voice had been harsh through the modulator of his first mask, but now Rey could hardly remember the old sound. His voice was expressive and honest, but still held the power that he seemed to hum with- the same one that Rey now felt. At the thought of her abandonment, of the life she should have had in a real home on a happier, more hospitable planet, the longing in her heart sharpened. Once, when she had been a weaker person, she might have let a tear fall, might have allowed herself to cry and to mourn. Now, however, she used that pain and didn’t let it use her. She turned it outward, absently blasting a dune aside. The wind caught the sand, sweeping it away.

If Kylo thought anything of her sudden display of power, he said nothing. The man was impulsive and stubborn as a mountain, but he wasn’t stupid. 

Rey turned her eyes from the sand to the AT-AT. She walked to the entrance and paused, tracing some new lines of weathering. She had loved her home, her independence, her safety here, once. Now, she had freedom. Now, she had autonomy and a future. She would no longer be shackled by the hope that had enslaved her since she was a child. 

Her new knowledge, new powers, had come too late, though. 

Kylo followed her inside without a word, but Rey didn’t mind. She paused at the wall, running a finger over the more than 5000 scratches she’d made into the wall, one for every day on Jakku. When she’d been small and under Plutt’s thumb, unable to leave Niima Outpost except to work every day, she’d always snuck in here to leave a mark. She’d wanted something to show her parents, her family. She’d kept her hair in those three buns for the same reason, to make sure they recognized her. Now, her hair hung around her face, loose for the first time in years. Absently, she brushed some loose strands behind her ear.

“I told the stormtroopers to go back to the ship.” Kylo said, “Now we are alone. I can feel the swirl of emotions within you. Why did you want to come here?”

“To remind myself of who I was, of who I would never be again.” Rey said quietly, “And to collect some things.” 

Rey turned on her heel, looking at the hammock absently. She’d only slept there part time. She reached out and touched the cords. They felt the same under her hands, like the few weeks away hadn’t damaged them. This meant her work, years of constantly having to repair and maintain the toppled machine that she lived in, had paid off. She turned a corner, however, seeking the crawlspace she’d used as a bedroom in happier times. It was untouched, too. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to take anything from it and neither, apparently, had the desert. The bed was an old cargo container filled with a mattress of old packaging material that Tamin had spent months fashioning into a proper bed. Rey smiled at the memory of christening that mangled old bed. In the morning, Rey had wrapped herself in their ratted blanket and pointed out all of the lumpy spots. Tamin had just laughed, bowling her over and demanding she held him smooth them out. She’d been sixteen, silly and in love. 

“Someone lived with you?” Kylo asked, looking from the bed to the hammock, “the bed is someone else’s or the hammock is?”

“No, they’re both mine.” Rey said, “Well, they were when I left here.” 

“Someone did live with you.” Kylo said. He turned his dark eyes on her and Rey found she had no desire to lie, to pretend.

“Tamin.” Rey whispered. It was the first time she’d said his name aloud in two years. Well, one year, six months, and eighteen days. 

Kylo looked around the AT-AT more carefully, clearly trying to find a sign of this person.

“He died, Ren.” Rey explained. Her heart suddenly clenched at all of the happiness she’d had in this protected bubble of the desert and all the grief and pain that had taken it away. 

Kylo looked at her, but clearly sensed her pain and decided not to ask questions. Rey, however, couldn’t stop herself from telling the stories. How could she? Suddenly, the sight of it all felt so new and sharp again. The bed she’d slept with Tamin in every night, the storage compartment where they desperately tried to store every single scrap of food they could, the drawer he’d been so proud of finding, the one they could use for a cradle. Rey felt tears prick her eyes as she crossed over to the empty drawer, still full of the softest scraps of cloth she and Tamin had been able to find. She’d left it in the bedroom when they’d died. She’d put a metal door between herself and the lost family she’d tried to create and she had tried to leave them there. 

“Tamin was a scavenger, too. A human only three years older than me.” Rey said, “He was a Plutt boy, too, when I was growing up. He worked his way out, too, and helped me repair the AT-AT. We lived here, we were a family here.” She waved a hand over the cramped space, remembering the way Tamin’s eyes would light up when he brought a good piece of salvage home for her to repair. He was an expert climber and a fierce defender of their haul, but he didn’t have her knack of repairs. 

“I got pregnant when I was sixteen.” Rey said. She sensed more than heard Kylo’s sharp intake of breath, the jolt that ran through him at her confession, “I didn’t even think my body had the energy to spare to worry about all of that, but apparently, my body disagreed.” Rey found herself laughing thickly, remembering the way Tamin had looked from her to her stomach to the bucket she’d vomited into for the fourth day in a row. He’d looked so ridiculous, his mouth agape, his bright brown eyes making that loop from face to bucket to stomach and back again. He’d settled, though, come to terms with her condition, the good and bad of it, and had put one of his dark brown hands under her shirt, as if he could already feel the life behind her skin. 

“The pregnancy was hard, for both of us.” Rey said, “We hid it the best we could. I stopped going into Niima Outpost, he bought supplies, ate less so we could use our portions for other things, like formula in case- in case I was too underfed to nurse.” 

“That can happen?” Kylo asked suddenly, his voice cracking like a whip through Rey’s thoughts.

Rey looked at him, surprised, then nodded, “Yes, Kylo. It happens a lot here. You don’t see a lot of healthy children of Jakku and even fewer babies. You see enough pregnancies, sure, but few of those make it far, one way or another.”

“But yours did.” Kylo said, his eyes on her face.

Rey nodded, “Mine did. I made it all the way actually. I gave birth on a salvaged tarp with no one bit Tamin and Old Seli to help me.” Her heart softened at the memory of the gray-haired woman’s intense face as she’d crouched between Rey’s knees, talking Rey through delivery. Tamin had kneeled behind her, letting her lean on him and crush his hand in hers, his beautiful voice in her ear, repeating everything Old Seli said, telling her she was beautiful and strong and she could do this. She could best the odds. She could have this baby. 

And she had.

“It was a girl.” Rey whispered, “A baby girl. Beautiful and perfect and so tiny.” 

Kylo said nothing, again, but leaned against the wall as Rey gestured to the table which was still littered with salvage projects she didn’t need to worry about. “We cut the umbilical cord with a knife sterilized with fire. We wrapped her in our best blanket. We named her Kari.” Rey felt her lower lip tremble at all the memories that flooded her. Of Kari’s giant brown eyes, of her perfect mouth, of the way Rey and Tamin had both cried when Kari had latched onto Rey’s breast on the second try, of Kari’s tiny little soft brown hands, and of the tuft of dark hair on Kari’s head.  
“I have never seen anything more beautiful than Kari’s face.” Rey said, blinking. Her tears fell and she let them. To deny her emotions would be a useless expense of energy.  
“They’re not here.” Kylo said, his voice gentle, “Tamin and Kari. They weren’t with you when you left Jakku.”

“There was a fever that swept through Niima Outpost from some off-planet trading ship.” Rey said, the fury returning to her. She remembered the ship, remembered seeing the sick man get off of it. She’d had Kari strapped to her breast while she and Tamin came to trade goods. The man had died within six hours of landing. There was an epidemic within seven days. Kari was dead in another seven. “Jakku is a harsh environment, but there a few actual diseases you can catch outside of a brothel. The desert sears microbes as much as everything else. The very old and the very young and the very small, though, often don’t have the chance to get rest enough to get well. Old Seli died, too, a few days after Kari. Kari… Kari was just too young to fight it.” 

“What happened to the off-planet trading ship?” Kylo asked. There was a hard edge to his voice and Rey didn’t have to tap into the Force to feel his fury at the man responsible for bringing disease and despair into Rey’s life.

“The sick man died at a bar, hacking and writhing and choking on his own vomit before his shipmate could help him, or so I heard. They paid to have the body burned that evening and left two days later. By then, one of the barmaids, two prostitutes, and several other traders were all starting to look sick. The ship, though, they got off free.” Rey said.

“I’m so sorry.” Kylo whispered. His rage was fading, replace by that deep understanding that Rey was starting to love about him. He didn’t want to hurt her, didn’t want her to hurt. He wanted her to be strong, to be free of pain, and to be able to have power and freedom.

“Tamin died a month later.” Rey said, “He fell down a Star destroyer. He was never the same after Kari died. He- He was off his game, but I let him climb up there anyway. He lost his grip an-and he fell. I had bury him in the sand wastes, just like Kari.” She’d had to strap him to her speeder like a piece of salvage. She remembered sobbing the entire way, her tears steaming up her eye protection.

“You lost your family.” Kylo said. Now, he stepped closer. It wasn’t until he touched Rey’s arm that she realized she was shaking and trembling. She didn’t know how long she’d been doing that. 

“I did.” Rey sobbed, “They loved me and I lost them.” She put out a hand, pressing her palm to Kylo Ren’s chest. He let her, rubbing a gloved hand up and down her arm. His dark eyes were soft and she felt herself breaking under them. 

“When you came to me, after my uncle refused you, I promised to show you everything. I promised to give you anything.” Kylo said. He touched her chin with one finger, titling her face up to look at him, “I will keep my work. You will find companionship again. You will find security and power again. You will have children again. You have my word.”

Rey looked into his eyes and nodded. In that instant, she felt the power leap between them again, the same way it had when he’d first taken off his helmet for her. In her heart of hearts, Rey knew if she had new children, they would be his.

Rey would settle for nothing less.

**Author's Note:**

> The fan fiction contains references to the death of an infant due to disease


End file.
